Merry Fishmas
(another letter on the fridge to my wife)
Dear Katherine,
Welcome back from your two-week business trip. I bet you got a great big surprise when you arrived home and found that lovely pink plastic Christmas tree in the lounge.
Yes, I know it is up early. But I am just following the lead of department stores who all seem to put up their decorations in November. MORE ...
Santa goes offshore and beyond
I have told my seven-year-old son Jack that Santa Claus has set up an enclave of elves in China to make his toys.
I had to.
He wanted to know why some toys he got from Santa last year had "Made in China" stamped on the bottom and not "Made at the North Pole." MORE ...
Resignation letter from Santa
Dear boys and girls,
I know this is very short notice, but I wish to tender my resignation.
This is not a decision I have taken lightly.
But I feel you have given me no alternative. MORE...
A letter to Santa
I hope you remember me, Santa?
I used to live in Ronneby Road, Newnham, in Tasmania but I want you to know that I had very little to do with putting that bucket of porridge in a big pot at the bottom of the chimney.
I guess you have dried out now. MORE...
Pain in the rum
I am not sure how many days are left until Christmas but the good news from my household is that the rum butter is already made.
Making rum butter is a tradition in my family.
My father, who came to Australia from Workington, Cumberland, in northern England, used to make it for our family each year. MORE ...
Christmas fare that's not fair
Do you think cholesterol tests are seasonally adjusted? I can only hope not.
With Christmas coming up, I just know I am going to eat a LOT of things that I shouldn't - and this might put my levels up a notch or two or, cough, three.
I had a blood test last week, see, and the results probably won't hit my doctor's desk until the new year. So I'll be OK, won't I? Er, won't I? MORE ...
Itching for the right Christmas tree
Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy and happiness. So how come I feel hard done by about our Christmas tree again this year?
I blame myself.
I should have checked the fine print of our marriage vows more closely.
When I told my wife-to-be Katherine that I was fine with omitting the bit that she obey ME, I had no idea that this meant I would have to obey HER when it came to picking Christmas trees. MORE ..
Santa Claus contemplates his navel
"Now tell me," said the psychiatrist after settling his patient down on the couch, "How long have you thought you were really Santa Claus?"
"Santa Claus? My name is George!" snapped the man. "What makes you think I think I am Santa Claus?" MORE...
Poles apart: Santa goes somewhere different after all his work is done
Santa Claus could hardly believe his eyes.
He had been looking forward to his vacation in the tropics for so long, it was like a dream.
He stood on the tarmac in his colourful board shorts, T-shirt and floppy hat and surveyed his new surroundings. MORE...
Holy donkey Eddie Murphy gets the last laugh
I had just got over the shock of seeing Eddie Murphy depicted in a nativity display at my local shopping centre when I found out that the price of my weekly lottery ticket has gone up 20c.
"What is the world coming to?" I wanted to scream at the ticket counter.
I did not, but only because I was with a close friend I did not want to embarrass. MORE ...
Getting the finger from Santa Claus
Every Christmas when I was a child in Launceston, a giant model of Santa Claus used to be put up on the outside wall of Cox Brothers store on the corner of Brisbane and St John streets.
He had a mechanically moving finger.
When I was five or six, I was pretty sure this was meant to be a beckoning finger. "Come inside, boys and girls, and see what interesting things there are here for your parents to buy you."
Now I am older, I have to accept the possibility that he was actually being rude and anti-social. MORE ...
If you like these short columns perhaps you'll like my new comic fiction novel, which has nearly 250 pages of laughs. Check out the first chapter here free